Terribly Awkward With Boys

This is from around 2006. I tried to edit some of it but I left the rest.

One day after work, I get on the bus and take the only empty seats, in the very back. I started rummaging in my purse to find my Ipod, and someone sitting across from me reached over and gently took a piece of my hair to play with. I was automatically defensive but before I flipped out, I recognized the young man. He apparently lives in my neighborhood, and is a friend of a friend. We usually just say hi when we see each other, and once he asked me out but I declined. He told me he liked my purple hair, I thanked him, and went back to digging in my purse.

A few minutes later, I pulled out my ipod and heard, “Whatchu listenin’ to, shorty?”

I thought to myself, “surely no one dare call MOI ‘shorty.’ “

So I ignored it. And then someone reached over and tapped me and said it again. The black guy sitting next to the guy I kinda know was the one calling me shorty. And so I said, “Technically, I am not listening to anything. I haven’t even turned it on yet.” He said that was a good point and what was I planning on listening to? Oh I don’t know I said, whatever I feel like. And so I put my headphones on and he talked on his phone.

Another few minutes pass and I hear something else, but ignore it, intuitively knowing he was bothering me again. But of course, since a woman is ignoring him, he now has to reach over and tap me again. “What’s your name, SHORTY?” I ignored him, but he persisted and tapped me again and asked. Annoyed, I did my sarcastically excited bit and said “My name is **! What’s your name!!!!” He kept asking me questions such as where I lived, where I’m from. I answered sarcastically and with random ghetto phrases, just because there was no where else to sit, and I knew he wasn’t going to leave me alone. I pretended I lived next door to that guy that I mentioned earlier, who played along and pretended we could see into each others’ bedrooms and had dinner together all the time.

The conversation just kept getting worse and worse. I don’t even know what the stupid man was saying -  something stupid, sexist, moronic, pathetic, etc. whatever. He said something about making me suck his dick with ice in my mouth so I said I had really bad cavities and ice made my teeth hurt. He kept going on so finally I was just telling him I was a lesbian and he didn’t believe me so I went on about how I love ‘dem girls with big knockers.” That was dumb of me because he pointed out that I have “a really nice set” etc but I said it’s not the same I like to grab on to someone else’s titties and I kept it going and he kept saying I was missing out and blah blah blah and so basically my bus ride was pretending im a lesbian, him telling me I “need a man.” and ‘need to turn around” “change my ways” “dont’ know what I’m missing” etc. he also mentioned how “girls that go that way” have usually been “really hurt by a man” and that I probabably have “a broken heart” and that I should open up and go back to guys.

He said when I went home, I was going to think about what he said and I was going to let my hair down and unzip my shirt and show my breasts and wear some tight jeans. And the guy I kinda know chimes in “oh but you can work with that, right?” meaning me as is, no breasts “showing” etc… and so this moron starts going on about how YES, HE CAN work with “that” and how he likes some meat on his women and he starts graphically talking about how good i’d look in the shower all covered in steam and how deep he’d go and lots of other fantastic things I just can’t remember because I was mortified.

I knew ignoring him was futile, so I continued with my lesbian thing and then I gave up and added that I had herpes and I was hiv positive and he told me to stick out my tongue and say ahh and he was checking my tongue.. he said if it was white I was sick but it wasn’t so I’m fine. He also mentioned something about how deep his dick would go in my mouth.

I kept up with the whole herpes thing and this big black woman and her baby sat nearby and she started laughing so I said “isn’t my tongue white? I’m sick right” and she started laughing and telling him “if someone told me they had herpes I would definitely stop talking to them.” Then they started an argument about whether or not people are sick, he said that they’d have such and such symptoms and she’s like arguing, saying but how do you know they are sick if they don’t have an outbreak? And how do you know that that person doesn’t just have different symptoms and you have to play it safe etc.

She got off the bus and he told me he always uses a condom and he’d double up with me. Then when I said but I sleep around alot, that’s how I got herpes, and I think I’m also hiv positive, he said he’d triple up. Smart people know that putting on more than one condom causes friction and the condom is more likely to BREAK by doing that, but apparently he does not know this.

This whole time I was typing on my sidekick but the only one online was my friend Joe and he really wasn’t paying attention so I was just typing pointlessly to have something to do to help me ignore the guy and he said things like “oh you’re typing to your girlfriend right now, telling her it’s over. You’re gonna listen to me about going back to guys right?” I said “no I dont have a girlfriend I sleep around.” He then tried to hook me up with his “black lesbian friend who likes white girls” but I was like nah I dont need a girlfriend.

Eventually I got off to transfer buses but I had to wait 40 minutes for the bus, and there was a woman walking by who said, “I love your hair how did you do that?” I told her it was purple dyed over pink, and she said it looks great.

Then it started raining and a woman at the bus stop was asked,  ‘Do you want to share my umbrella?” and I said no thank you. But I still thought that was very nice of her. When I got off the bus, a different woman got off the bus with me and started walking in front of me, then just turned around randomly and said “Would you like to share my umbrella?” I said no thank you.

So in summary, a strong case against men and three cases for women.