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Cockblocked.

So on facebox and my other blog I am always talking about this ADORABLE customer. I call him “the mohawk man” because when I first laid eyes on him he had a mohawk. Then he cut his hair, and sometimes he’ll sport the start of one for a while.

I also sometimes call him “my future husband who doesn’t know it yet.”

Anyway, about a year and a half ago I saw him in the store maybe three times. Of course I was immediately smitten. I went out to the bars one night with a friend from another country whom I had not seen for a long time.

I was busy listening to this friend when behind his head I spotted the mohawk man. He was adorable, and he was with a bunch of his friends. I wanted so bad to go over to him, but I couldn’t do that with my friend and his around. So I just lusted from afar.

A few times, he actually came to the deli counter where I work. He would get a quarter pound of honey maple turkey and a quarter of swiss. He came maybe once every two weeks. I mentioned to him one day that I had seen him at the bar, and asked him what he did for a living, since he had a mohawk. He said he was currently an unemployed construction worker. And he was 34.

I was just making polite conversation as I thought I would have many more chances to try to find out more and flirt with him.

I’m an idiot. He came only sporadically to the deli, and any time he came there was a huge line of customers and I couldn’t talk to him.

Now, he never comes to the deli. Its been at least three months or more since I’ve seen him there. But he goes grocery shopping a few times a week.

I am not stalking him. But I can see what he buys because he always gets the same thing and parks in the same spot. He likes poland spring water, a gallon of skim milk, and strawberries and cream instant oatmeal.

I have been lusting after him for nearly two years now but the fucker always runs through the store. Literally. He always wears his long gym shorts, t shirt, backwards cap, and sneakers. I guess he just stops by after the gym and is still excercising…

Some customers stop and linger in the aisles, ask for things, talk to employees, buy a lot of groceries and price check along the way.

But not my guy. He bolts through the store grabbing the same few items and hopping on the self checkout line. It is impossible to try to talk to him.

If I can, I try to run outside for a cigarette break as soon as I see him in the store. I went through a phase of trying to meet him by walking by him and saying hi. He would look, say hello and keep rushing. Then I started yelling “hello” whenever I saw him nearby. He’d just say hello back and keep rushing.

I’m sure he believes I’m just one of the mentally challenged people who work in the store now. Great job me.

Now you know the back story.

So the other day, I saw him, and I grabbed my cigarettes and ran outside. He always parks to the right of the store in the same spots, and he walks out of he store on the sidewalk, then diagonally crosses at a certain point.

I planned it perfectly. I stood smoking my cigarette next to the pillar right before where he walks into the street and crosses. He would walk right by me, Id say hello, and try to ask his name, if I knew him from somewhere, etc. I had a million things to say to stop him from his energizer bunny gimmick.

After nearly two years, I had the balls and the opportunity. I always end up with just one or the other.

So there I was. He was coming out of the door. I was prepared.

“Mami, you got a smoke for me?” A spanish man stood in front of me and asked. He had three quarters in his hand. He just saw me open a new pack of cigarettes, and he was offering money. If I said no, he would have tried to convince me. It was easier to say yes.

I went in my bag, gave him a cigarette and waited for him to leave.

He started talking in spanish to me, and as I understand very little I just placated him saying “si” and “un pequito espaniol.” He wouldn’t leave. Kept talking, trying to find the right english words, but continuing in spanish anyway. I was polite, it made him very happy.

During this ridiculousness, the mohawk man walked inches away from me.

“Hi!” I yelled in desperation. Great. Back to acting like a retard.

“Hello,”  he said as he turned to glance at me and keep walking.

The spanish man kept talking. He is a maintainance man at a hospital. He was off that day. He works hard. I’m a nice girl.

Great. At least he was happy. Goddamn cockblocker.

Maybe it was a sign from God to give up on the mohawk man.

Hey Girl, I Care About Your Health.

At 7:55am, I was standing outside my job having a smoke.

This tall black man in a camel colored velour sweatsuit came out of the store. As he walked past, he kept staring at me. I assumed the pink hair through him off.

He got in his car, and as he drove it out of the lot he yelled at me out of his window.

“Why you smokin them cigarettes, baby girl? Them shits ain’t nothin but killas.”

Well, thank you sir I’ve never met before, nor who I will ever see again. It’s so heartwarming to know you care about my health when it has nothing to do with you.

I would probably be less irritated and more flattered if an adorable young white guy with a mohawk and combat boots said I should not smoke. Id probably giggle and throw the cigarette away.

Oh, how the speaker changes the meaning.

Where Everyone’s Already Fucked All Your Friends

I’m seriously thinking about joining eharmony or match.com. I always thought it was stupid to fork up some cash just to join a site that has so many free versions. But I joined okcupid (yet again) and it is still not working.

There’s literally the scum of the earth on that site. (Example: a guy i’d been talking to told me he wanted to hang out, and gave me a time and place. I asked where the place was. It’s in connecticut. I’m in NY, I don’t drive, and I have to wake up everyday at 6am. I told him I was not going out to CT. He told me to grow up and take the train. Then proceeded to berate me via messages about me being a baby, being so overweight I can’t leave the house, and he told me to get a job, when yes I do have one. I stopped answering him and he kept sending these messages.)

Perhaps a site that requires enough dedication to meeting someone that it makes you pay may have better prospects. Most of the guys on okcupid really just use it as another means to get laid. I’ve met only a few, and they weren’t so excited to go on a date as they were to “hang out” in their car or apt.

I’m seriously so tired of being alone that I have to physically stop myself from texting/calling guys I know don’t like me, have girlfriends, and are just assholes.

And it’s not like it used to be, where you maybe have a friend who has a cute single friend. Pretty much any guy I meet that is single has already dated or fucked more than one girl I know/are friends with. It must be where I live, but I swear there is not one eligible guy out there that hasn’t been with someone I know.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for to meet a nice guy.

I Found This In My Drafts.

There’s this guy.

 

 

He makes me feel butterflies.

 

 

Too bad he’s a douche bag.

Picky Schmicky

I’ve heard a lot of theories on “why” a woman is single. There’s that one about being too picky and then one about how girls like “bad boys” and they should try out a “good guy.” And of course how its because she’s attracted to the “wrong kind” of guy and should try dating someone she wouldn’t normally.

Well, I think that’s shit.

I admit to having certain “types” of men that I tend to gravitate towards. The kind that give me butterflies in my stomach and make my heart race. Their kisses make me melt and I get a sort of addiction to the way they make me feel, therefore to them as well. They really aren’t the cream of crop. Mostly they have some sort of big issue, such as alcoholism. But I love them nonetheless.

In a deluded effort to escape these badly chosen loves, I’ve been trying the whole “other type” and “nice guy” theory. Going for the guys I’m not much attracted to, but who seem to be nice guys.

It’s awful. There are plenty of nice guys and not so nice (but not MY type) guys that I’ve been spending time with. We tend to get along great for the most part, laughing, keeping up the conversations, bonding, just generally having a good time. But when they make a move, it’s less than thrilling.

Its the whole i-wanna-like-this-but-i-don’t thing with me. It doesn’t matter how much I enjoy their company, but when they kiss me all I want to do is push them away. Its not even a bad kisser situation, its more of a “what’s the point” feeling. It seems to be the same way I feel about concerts. Yes, I can go to a concert and be in the back and still enjoy the music. But there’s nothing quite like standing first row, directly in front of the band. It’s just not the same. I don’t see a point in going if I can’t be first on line to get in and front row center.

Another problem I seem to have with guys who “are” and “aren’t” my “type” is that their smell attracts or repulses me. Not the whole bad body odor STINK smell but just their general smell. When there’s a guy I really like, just sitting next to him and smelling him is comforting and attractive. There is probably NOTHING more comforting than snuggling next to a man whose smell turns you on. I suppose its their pheromones that I just can’t resist. But then when I smell a guy I enjoy spending time with but I’m not attracted to, its just meaningless. I do not want to be close to it, I do not want to snuggle, I do not feel comforted. In unrefined words, it’s just BLEH.

I don’t even know where my delusions of possibility came from. Yes, I know the guys I’m attracted to are not good for me. They treat me like shit at one point or another. But for heaven’s sake, I adore them. The men that I WANT to be attracted to…… they could never speak to me again and I wouldn’t give a shit. They might be fun to hang out with, but there’s nothing there.

When they kiss me my mind wanders. I don’t put much effort into it at all. Its not bad kissing, I just don’t want to kiss them. But that moment, that fleeting moment right before their lips touch mine, my heart explodes with hope. Maybe. Maybe this one will make me melt. Maybe the butterflies will be there. Maybe ill get that ridiculously scientific high that comes from love and attraction.

It’s always such a letdown. Its just…nothing.

I want so badly to be in love. I guess my next theory to try out is the whole “it comes when you’re not looking for it” thing. I have doubts already, because I’ve gone YEARS without looking for anyone, and no one came anyway. How fucking long do I have to wait? I know plenty of people who just stumble from relationship to relationship and at some point in each one, they are “in love.” Is there just plenty of love for some and none that’s right for me?

Can I Be Heaven’s Angel? Or Just A Fruedian Slip?

On my lunch breaks at work I always sit on the side of the building and have my cigarette lunch. Often there are people who bother me, talk to me, sit too close, etc. But I’ve gotten to know who is who and who to say hello to, who to ignore.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out how often I see this one guy, or where he works, or if we’ve ever had a conversation. But I know he usually nods to me, acknowledges me even if I’m not looking at him.

Today, I was sitting outside and this guy walked past me and nodded. My hormones perked up and I said to him, “Hey, did you cut your hair???”

It wasn’t even until after I asked that, that I realized who he was. He always has super long, dark, metalhead hair. I usually just nod to him and ignore him, so with his newly shaven head I didn’t consciously recognize him.

“Yea, I did,” he said. “And you used to have blue hair.” (Months ago I did. Now it is fushia.)

“It looks…. REALLY good.” I tried not gush but I could not help it.

“Really? I’ve been getting mixed opinions on it.”

“No. It looks. Good.” Of course I was looking him up and down and drooling at this point.

Then I gave him a cigarette and told him he should walk past me more often. He asked me what my name was, and said his. I thought he said Kevin at first, but he said “no, its Heaven.”

“Well,” I said, “you should DEFINITELY walk past me more often.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said.

It wasn’t until writing this that I realized he probably said “Evan” was his name. Adurh to me.

But goddammit, he is adorable and I never noticed before because of his dirty looking long hair. Without it you can see more, like his cute smile and sexy eyes. I even noticed his skull jewelry.

Oh, and I had asked his age. He is 29.

Sigh. And I thought of all these cutesy-dorky jokes, too. Like if his name was really Heaven I could say, “if I’m a good girl can I come to Heaven?”
“I feel so happy its like having Heaven inside me.”
“You’re Heaven on Earth.”

Yup. I’m a dork!

Me, in Music Form.

Kate Nash is an artist I have only recently begun to listen to. But in the short time I’ve known her, I’ve come to absolutely love her.

So many of her songs I can relate to, without even realizing I felt that way. Sometimes she rambles, which is sort of weird for lyrics, but she makes it work. She rambles the same way you’d ramble to your best friend when there is a guy that you are head over heels for.

This is one song I particularly love, called Nicest Thing.

All I know is that you’re so nice
You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn’t figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you’d hold my hand When I was upset
I wish you’d never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
‘Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars
Actually I meant three
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn’t eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep
Look, all I know is that you’re the nicest thing
I’ve ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

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