- Interrupting.
Okay, so…we’re on a date, which theoretically means you’d like to get to know me better, right? THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP CUTTING ME OFF? Everytime I start to talk about something, whatever is in your mind is so much more important. I guess another man’s penis is more important to me then. Go away.

- Leading Someone On
There’s nothing wrong with messing around with someone you like. Fine, you don’t want to make anything official, but you’ve still been seeing the girl and/or messing around often enough that one could conclude feelings are involved.

It was more than just fucking around…. a seven hour drive just talking, putting your arms around her and kissing her cheek in front of your family, admitting your jealousy when she talks to her male friends, taking her cat to the vet with her, etc. All that, and then you say “I DON’T WANT A GIRLFRIEND.” Okay, if she likes you enough, she’ll stick with you, settling for the casualness and hoping you’ll change your mind, since after all, you’re with her all of the time.

Then, randomly, you’re “in a relationship.” Wow. Okay, so its not “I don’t want a girlfriend,” it’s “I don’t want YOU as my girlfriend.” Wouldn’t it have just been easier and nicer to say that in the first place, instead of telling her how beautiful she is, buying her dinners, helping her with family issues, fixing her car, and all those other stupid things a boyfriend would do? Why even waste a woman’s time?

There’s a difference between just fucking someone for casual sex, and leading someone on.

-Being a Flake
To be honest, I didn’t like these guys that much to begin with, so when they get flaky, it just makes me dislike more. I don’t understand men who will repetitively ask a woman out, tell her they like her a lot, ask for her number, give vague future plans, then just NEVER follow through.

An example: one guy sent me an email stating he’d liked me a lot since college, five years ago. After running into me again, he really hoped he could see me again, would love to take me out on a date. He was away at school, asked for my number, and said he’d call me that weekend.

Frankly, I could have cared less. But I’m in that whole “give everyone a chance” phase. He never called. Weeks later, apologized, said he’d been really busy at school. Asked to make it up to me. Fine. Did it again. Then sent one jokingly saying he how never goes through with what he says. I didn’t like him, now I LOATHE him. Its just annoying now. I was willing to give you a chance until i spent 5 months randomly answering his messages about much he likes me and wants to take me out. My ass. If you liked me, you would have made it happen.

Another example – a guy who will constantly say he’s coming to hang out, willing to pick you up, meet up, etc. Yet, EVERY TIME he mysteriously doesn’t show. Not even a “hey can’t make it.” Just…not showing. Okay, well I’m not the one up your ass, you’re the one randomly calling and texting to tell me you want to see me that night. Why are you bothering me then? I could have made plans with someone I actually want to see.

And that concludes this installment of things that men do that irritate me. More to come.

The ones I want to touch and kiss and take care of…

The ones I want to cook dinner for and give presents to…

The ones I want to make happy and feel good…

The one I just want to BE with…

spend time with…

fall in love with…

They’re all alcoholics. Sometimes I know this right away, other times it takes a while.

But my father died when I was 2 and my mother is a strict christian lady, doesn’t even drink wine. So this strange attraction couldn’t have stemmed from childhood. I don’t know why. But it really seems as if most, if not all, of the men I’m attracted to are alcoholics.

The guys that really like me, that want to treat me nice and take care of me… I’m just not at all interested in. I don’t want to be near them, I don’t want them touching me…. I can appreciate them and like them as people… but I just don’t want to be with them.

Why is this… what is wrong with me???

I’m not going to rehash all my I want him stories, but basically I’ve seen him in my job quite often. He’s gorgeous and I want him. From my station behind the deli counter, I can see what he buys…. strawberry instant oatmeal, skim milk, bottled water, etc. He likes to use the self check out lines. At one point I started obnoxiously saying hello to him, because he literally runs through the store and it’s impossible to start a convo or talk to him. At least by screaming “HIIII” he’d look in my direction, granted he thought I was retarded.

So don’t ask me why when opportunity punched me in the twat, I bent over and let it kick me in the ass as well.

I was coming back from lunch, and walking by the registers. It was fairly empty, and for the first time in nearly three years, there was The Mohawk Man, on the self check out line, with no one else around. No one to cock block me. No one to make me feel embarrassed for trying to hit on him…  nobody around. And he was just…. standing there… checking out.

So feeling sassy, I went right up to him, and when he turned his head, I boldly asked, “Excuse me, what’s your name?”

I didn’t quite catch what he said. “Jeff?” i said.

“No, Kevin.”

 

“OH, Kevin. Nevermind then.” And I walked away. WHAT THE HELL. Why did I do that????? I had the perfect opportunity to talk to him, introduce myself, at least proclaim my undying love for him. And i said NEVERMIND????  WHEN THE FUCK DID I HAVE A LOBOTOMY???

 

Ugh. Life only gives you so many chances. And I’ve blown them all.

The message went over everything in my profile that I said I was looking for in a man. He declared that he met every one of those, except for the age part. He was only 21, but claimed he was very mature, and I’d have no problems with his maturity, etc.

He was cute, and I had happened to be browsing through women at the time, curious as to if my bad luck with men was because I was a lesbian in denial. So I gave him a chance, talked to him. Added him to my facebook, after which he proceeded to “like” literally about 70 of my photos within the time span of an hour. He claimed he was bored at work. I found it creepy. He even “liked” my photos from work where I made platters and said it was because he liked food. Okay, whatever.

Talked to him all day on messengers, and he asked to meet me that night. I really didn’t want to, but there was a pending snow storm in the next few days, so I went with it. He picked me up about a block from my house, because with all the snow he didn’t want to go up my hill. Minus points.

I get in the car and it was just like… hi. Okay… well you invited me out… so you can at least make me feel welcome. He let me pick where to go, since he wasn’t from the area. Told him to go to this bar my friend works at, thinking in case it got weird or anything I’d have someone to rescue me.

We spent a couple of hours there talking, mostly him, with some awkward bits in there. He told me about childhood abuse, family deaths, law suits, video games, and his career goals. I paid for my own drinks. Once we got in the car, it was already after 10pm and there is literally nothing to do where I live except go shopping or to a restaurant. He kept saying he didn’t want to go home. Said we could even park somewhere.

What can I say, I’m a chump. I thought he was adorable, and I really thought we would just make out for a bit. But I seem to forget how men really are when I’m actually with one. I also seem to forget that I have no self control and tend to get a bit slutty when provoked.

We started kissing and he tried to push my head down. I was all innocent and said no, I don’t know you that well, etc. We went on kissing, and he kept saying how much he wanted to eat me out. He tried his best to convince me to let him, but Ive never really let anyone do that, let alone in a parked car. Didn’t happen. I know now, when a guy literally begs to eat you out, just let him. We ended up messing around quite more than I wanted to, but I felt sort of like I had to. I need to stop doing that, and feeling obligated to do it. I also need to stop kissing guys in cars – it always ends up in their favor.

He dropped me off across the street from my house, and I had to walk up all the stairs in the dark, alone. Minus points. Got home, looked in the mirror, thought I had been mauled by a cougar. Minus points.

The next day he sent me an email on facebook stating that he had a good time, but he “felt horrible” and needed to “think about things.” I was so confused… what did he feel horrible about, was it just an excuse to not talk to me? We went out once… what was there to really think about?

I didn’t write back… but I was crushed. I liked him a bunch, and I had hope that maybe he felt the same, and would want to see me again. In the car, he had repeatedly stated he wanted to see me again, asked what I was doing that weekend. So I sat the day thinking about him, worrying, like a stupid idiot.

The day after I got another message that just said “So …. hey, what’s up?” I was like, WHAT THE FUCK? He had me crazy the day before with his stupid “i feel horrible” letter and here he’s just hey whats up? So I wrote back something like “you tell me… what was that about yesterday? Why do you feel horrible? because you left hickeys on my neck or something?”

I meant it playfully, to provoke a conversation about what the fuck was going on with him. Instead he wrote back “way to attack me, ttyl”

I then tried to explain I wasn’t attacking, I just never had a hickey like that and was just playing with him. He flipped out on me saying I enjoyed it, and he had felt bad about the sex stuff, thought i was pretty, and really liked me, but if I was going to “be like this” he didn’t want to talk to me. Then he wrote, “God, just leave me alone!”

So I deleted him, and proceeded to cry. Of course, I’ve decided to finally learn from my mistakes with men. I know I get caught up in the possibility of romance, because that’s all I really want, and I haven’t had it in so long I see potential everywhere. I also know I end up doing more than I want to, because I just don’t know how to say no. I don’t want to ruin what could be because I said no. But it turns out I’ve been doing the opposite, ruining everything because I’ve said “YES.”

So now, fuck it. If I do ever go out again, I’m taking a cab home. I just don’t trust myself when they’ve got those puppy dog eyes and spew out words about how pretty i am and how they want to see me again. Yea, I’m a sucker. As much of a hard-hearted bitch that I appear to be, I’m a dead sucker for romance. Too bad most of it is just in my head.

Lessons Learned:

1. I tend to be slutty when provoked.
2. When a guy literally begs to eat you out, just let him. You’re most likely not going to get a better offer.
3. If you do end up messing around on a first date, you’re probably not going to ever see him again.
4. If someone says in their very first letter to you that “you’ll have no problem with my maturity” it means they’re going to go psycho. And make you feel guilty for it.
5. 21yr olds do not know how to be discreet about “love bites.”
6. Men are liars.
7. Arrange your own transportation, so you don’t have to rely on the guy, and can prevent unwanted situations.
8. Don’t even kiss on the first date.

Here we go -

Guy I occasionally talked to on okcupid.com added me to facebook months ago.

We rarely talk, never more than “hey, whats up”

Just now, he facebook chatted me.

He said what’s up, I said, contemplating going outside for a cig.

He asked if I had any pictures of me smoking, cause he thinks that’s sexy.

I said there might be a few, but I don’t really take pics while smoking.

He said, “We should meet up sometime.”

I said, “Sure, if you come around here. I don’t drive.”

He wrote, “ok.”

I watched a video of someone’s cat repeatedly knocking something off a ledge.

Came back to his chat, and after ok, it said, “AND FUCK.”

I thought I missed something, wrote “fuck what?”

“Me”

Um even if it was a joke, it’s coming from some guy I’ve never met, don’t know ANYTHING about……

so I wrote, “errrr……” because I didn’t know what to say.

Within a few seconds it said he was offline. I went to his facebook page and I had been deleted. Just for writing “err??”

Whatever. I never had faith in men anyway.

Those days are long gone, and it makes me tremendously put off.

I also sometimes call him “my future husband who doesn’t know it yet.”

Anyway, about a year and a half ago I saw him in the store maybe three times. Of course I was immediately smitten. I went out to the bars one night with a friend from another country whom I had not seen for a long time.

I was busy listening to this friend when behind his head I spotted the mohawk man. He was adorable, and he was with a bunch of his friends. I wanted so bad to go over to him, but I couldn’t do that with my friend and his around. So I just lusted from afar.

A few times, he actually came to the deli counter where I work. He would get a quarter pound of honey maple turkey and a quarter of swiss. He came maybe once every two weeks. I mentioned to him one day that I had seen him at the bar, and asked him what he did for a living, since he had a mohawk. He said he was currently an unemployed construction worker. And he was 34.

I was just making polite conversation as I thought I would have many more chances to try to find out more and flirt with him.

I’m an idiot. He came only sporadically to the deli, and any time he came there was a huge line of customers and I couldn’t talk to him.

Now, he never comes to the deli. Its been at least three months or more since I’ve seen him there. But he goes grocery shopping a few times a week.

I am not stalking him. But I can see what he buys because he always gets the same thing and parks in the same spot. He likes poland spring water, a gallon of skim milk, and strawberries and cream instant oatmeal.

I have been lusting after him for nearly two years now but the fucker always runs through the store. Literally. He always wears his long gym shorts, t shirt, backwards cap, and sneakers. I guess he just stops by after the gym and is still excercising…

Some customers stop and linger in the aisles, ask for things, talk to employees, buy a lot of groceries and price check along the way.

But not my guy. He bolts through the store grabbing the same few items and hopping on the self checkout line. It is impossible to try to talk to him.

If I can, I try to run outside for a cigarette break as soon as I see him in the store. I went through a phase of trying to meet him by walking by him and saying hi. He would look, say hello and keep rushing. Then I started yelling “hello” whenever I saw him nearby. He’d just say hello back and keep rushing.

I’m sure he believes I’m just one of the mentally challenged people who work in the store now. Great job me.

Now you know the back story.

So the other day, I saw him, and I grabbed my cigarettes and ran outside. He always parks to the right of the store in the same spots, and he walks out of he store on the sidewalk, then diagonally crosses at a certain point.

I planned it perfectly. I stood smoking my cigarette next to the pillar right before where he walks into the street and crosses. He would walk right by me, Id say hello, and try to ask his name, if I knew him from somewhere, etc. I had a million things to say to stop him from his energizer bunny gimmick.

After nearly two years, I had the balls and the opportunity. I always end up with just one or the other.

So there I was. He was coming out of the door. I was prepared.

“Mami, you got a smoke for me?” A spanish man stood in front of me and asked. He had three quarters in his hand. He just saw me open a new pack of cigarettes, and he was offering money. If I said no, he would have tried to convince me. It was easier to say yes.

I went in my bag, gave him a cigarette and waited for him to leave.

He started talking in spanish to me, and as I understand very little I just placated him saying “si” and “un pequito espaniol.” He wouldn’t leave. Kept talking, trying to find the right english words, but continuing in spanish anyway. I was polite, it made him very happy.

During this ridiculousness, the mohawk man walked inches away from me.

“Hi!” I yelled in desperation. Great. Back to acting like a retard.

“Hello,”  he said as he turned to glance at me and keep walking.

The spanish man kept talking. He is a maintainance man at a hospital. He was off that day. He works hard. I’m a nice girl.

Great. At least he was happy. Goddamn cockblocker.

Maybe it was a sign from God to give up on the mohawk man.

This tall black man in a camel colored velour sweatsuit came out of the store. As he walked past, he kept staring at me. I assumed the pink hair through him off.

He got in his car, and as he drove it out of the lot he yelled at me out of his window.

“Why you smokin them cigarettes, baby girl? Them shits ain’t nothin but killas.”

Well, thank you sir I’ve never met before, nor who I will ever see again. It’s so heartwarming to know you care about my health when it has nothing to do with you.

I would probably be less irritated and more flattered if an adorable young white guy with a mohawk and combat boots said I should not smoke. Id probably giggle and throw the cigarette away.

Oh, how the speaker changes the meaning.